Eastern European Football
is a variation on the American sport with wildly different rules and regulations.


  • Only 2 to 3 players should be on the field at one time. Adding a fourth is considered highly dangerous and has lead to the injury of several players. (See: Rhombus of Fun)
  • The players on offense and defense should be a maximum of five feet away from each other.
  • For the most part, hiking the ball is considered passѐ in today's game, and is not done often.
  • Upon completion of a pass, it must be followed with another.
  • Tuxedos are the traditional uniform, though top hats and doilies have been banned in the league for quite some time.
  • Wearing a cravat and a dickey is much more acceptable.
  • The spork has been banned in the league since 1972. The foon is illegal in all states except Wyoming and Georgia.
  • The field is measured not in yards, but a proprietary unit of measurement known only as dinglehoffers. The standard field is roughly 863 dinglehoffers long.
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